Sunday, July 8, 2012

Into the mountains!

I did it!  About two weeks ago I took the kids into the mountains with some friends.  Mason was in hog heaven!  Dirt, climbing, rocks, water, more dirt what more could a little boy want?  London pretty much could take it or leave it.  I accomplished a huge thing with my kids.  I don't normally leave the area where there is a hospital close by with my kids, some weird over protective thing I have, but it is getting better.  I want to take the kids camping at least once this summer, but I am not sure if my nerves can handle that yet!  I wonder does any other parent feels this way or is it just me and my craziness?  Here are some pictures for you to enjoy!


Mommy in Training

Yes there is this thing called "Mommy in Training" and I believe it is something we will do for the rest of our lives!  As many of you know Mason is in Occupational Therapy, he has some sensory issues, nothing that all of us can't learn to deal with and overcome.  I was told not to be surprised if he turns into an adrenaline junkie (yeah just what every mom wants to hear!)  So part of dealing with this is for me (the Mommy in Training) has to learn that I need to be a lot more patient with him, that he doesn't always disobey me just for the heck of it, but because his sensory cup isn't full. 

Let me explain.  Most normal people start out with a full sensory cup and when we need some more involvement and activity we can seek it out and have our cups full again.  No biggie.  Mason,  however, starts out with half of his sensory cup full and has to do a lot more activities to get it to the normal point.  Some kids don't know when their cup is full and keep going, Mason however at least knows when his is full and stops.  So when we are out and about and he is getting into things it is supposed to be my clue that I need to give him some activities that fill his cup.  Here is where the Mommy in Training comes into play, I don't always recognize that is what he needs and that I need to not get so frustrated with him.  Yes, I feel horrible about it afterwords, but I am not quick enough to know before hand that he needs it.  Another problem that I have (and I am not likely to overcome this anytime soon) is that I am a girl and apparently boys act and think a million times different than a girl.

Prime example:  This week while at home I was sitting on the couch reading a book and all of a sudden I hear London tell Mason, "Stop splashing on the floor you are making a mess"  Now, by this point I haven't heard the bathroom sink running so I don't fully comprehend what is being splashed on the floor.  As I go in to find out why my son is making a mess I find him standing IN the toilet.  Not on the toilet but in the toilet.  I proceed to ask Mason, "Why in the world are you standing IN the toilet? What is going through your mind?"  He just looks at me and says, "I don't know I just thought it would be fun to do!"  Now a normal girl does not look at a toilet and say, "I think I will stand in it and see what I can do inside of a toilet filled with water."  But apparently this is a normal boy thing and I am just going to have more things to look forward to.

A dear friend gave me some great advice this week when I told her this story.  She said, "I know this will be hard to do, but if you can DON'T act surprised and calmly ask what they were doing and why they thought to do something like that.  That the greatest mommy moments come from their responses and you will have some of the best laughs and memories if you just try to remain calm and act like NOTHING surprises you."  Yeah I definitely will have to work on this!

Today we had the talk of "Why can't I wear a bra?"  That is an awkward conversation to have with your 4 year old son who just can't understand why he can't be just like his mommy.  He is always asking to do girl things because he wants to be like me and his sister, poor thing just doesn't realize that being a girl is not always what it is cut out to be!

I love my Mommy in Training moments when I look back at them, now I just need to figure out how to love them in the moment and not after it is gone!

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Butterflies? What butterflies? Oh, yeah those ones!

      I just re-read my posts that I have already made on this blog and I am starting to see a pattern.  Whenever I am in need of a self talk of strength and encouragement I feel like writing here, so here I am.  Earlier this week I put myself out there and asked a cute guy out.  Not that I thought it would go anywhere, but for me to put myself out there like that after 2 years is HUGE for me!  I was turned down but not because he thought me to be repulsive (like I had envisioned in my mind) but because he was already seeing someone else.  Maybe I do have a fighting chance in hell to be with someone after all.  
     Then it has hit me this whole week like a ton of bricks that even though Mike and I get along fairly well, I can't live life afraid of what is to come.  I think I use our relationship as parents as a shield (a scapegoat would be more accurate) to avoid what I fear the most, dating and being alone. (Oxymoron I know but really they go hand in hand with me.  I am so afraid of dating and not being someone's everything that I just would rather shut the whole thing out.  Probably doesn't help that I have been on one date in two years and that is only because I was set up on a blind date.  The feelings of rejection that I often faced in my marriages and life prior to that overtake my mind so much that all I want to do is shut down and not show the world how I really feel.  I can put on a mask better than anyone, I have been doing it most of my life I should have it down pat!  However, feeling like I have made so many mistakes in my life I feel I have missed my chance to be married in the temple.  I never in a million years thought I would be sitting here in these exact circumstances thinking, "I royally screwed my path up, but I have never been more happy than I am right at this exact moment."
     People tell me all of the time how strong I am, but I really don't look at it as strength, I look at it as surviving. This is just what I have to do to be there for my kids, to have a better life for us, and to possibly find my "Prince Charming-with flaws"  What is strength anyway?  I think it is one of the biggest cliche's out there.  Everyone has their battles, some seem easy and some seem impossible to outsiders, but no one knows really how hard it is unless you are the one standing right in the middle of it.  Why do we assume someone is strong or weak depending on how they handle the situation at hand?
I do know one thing, I don't miss the old me.  I don't miss the Kristen who was afraid of the future, who didn't know that an eternal marriage meant more to me than anything else in this world.  I don't miss my wishy washy testimony.  I don't miss not being able to do many things on my own and feeling like I had to have someone there and jumping from relationship to relationship.  Don't get me wrong I still doubt myself quite a bit, but just not as much as I did before.
     The one thing I still find quite frustrating about myself is my lack of self confidence.  I look at my friends or some stranger passing by thinking "I wish I had those looks."  I know I am not completely repulsive (at least I think so anyway!) but I look at others and wish I had the confidence I needed to ask someone out and to go out and have fun.  I LOVE making new friends and being around people so what is my deal?  I have noticed I have become more introverted since my surgery and often wonder if that had something to do with it? Or maybe it was the big D that made me refocus my life and outlook on it?
So short story long (very, very long), yes I got those butterflies again, I actually had feeling in my body and not just the same old numbness I have been living with for years and years.  I didn't just go through the motions this week, I made an attempt to take a chance on life and love, and it gave me a little boost to possibly do it again-and maybe soon.☺

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

The School of Life and College

As I have finished three tests in the last two days of school I take a look back at what the week was like and how I am feeling about everything.  I sat down at a table right after my accounting test and let out an audible sigh of relief.  A gentleman sitting at the table with me said "It's been that kind of day huh?"  I explained I just took a test that I am sure I did not pass and felt a little bit of relief just finishing it and not having to worry about it anymore.  We then got a little deep and talked about all you can do is try your best.  I went a little bit deeper and explained "Isn't that what life is all about?  Trying our best and walking away afterwords with our audible sigh and not looking back, knowing we tried our best and that is all we can do?"

Isn't this what our ultimate goal in life is?  To learn from our mistakes, no matter what life throws at us, just do our best and keep pressing forward?  Isn't that what our Heavenly Father wants us to learn?  It doesn't matter what we are studying, how to be a better parent, friend, sibling, etc. or what the specific subject is in an academic sense, we need to do our best.

Now I admit, I was not as prepared for all of the tests as I should have been, having a sick child for most of the week and being beyond exhausted while dealing with neighbors who don't know how to live in an apartment complex, I did not study like I should have.  There is a part of me that really is ready for the semester to end, but I still have this deep longing to be in school just so I can feel that sense of accomplishment that I don't feel really anywhere else in life.

I feel like a failure most of the time as a mother not knowing that what I teach my kids is actually sinking in.  Then you add the two failed marriages and not having a job, yeah going to school feels like just about the only thing I am succeeding at right now.  Although I feel this way at times, I know that where I was 3 years ago, heck even 1 year ago is amazing to me to see how far I have come.  I know I don't see the full spectrum of the distance, but to me it is significant enough to know that I am happy right where I am.  I have come far but I have so much farther to go.  I am a blessed woman for the friends and family I have in my life.  I have my health and two WONDERFUL kids who love me and I love them.  What more could this single mama want out of life?  Money???  That is a subject for another post I think!

Monday, April 16, 2012

A Guy, A Girl, and A Happily Ever After

This past week has had so many ups and downs for me that to say I have felt every single emotion in the book is an understatement. Mason has started asking me almost daily when I am going to get married again.  I told him that I didn't know if that would ever be a possibility and that Heavenly Father was probably going to have to throw someone in front of me to make it happen!  Then I realized that deep within my mind all of the insecurities that I thought I had dealt with came flooding back to me.  All of those burning questions and feelings of inadequacy came back.  What if I am not good enough to have someone who honors his priesthood in my life?  What if he freaks out that I am no longer able to have anymore children?  What if I am too mean to my kids and he goes running away screaming (yes this has been pictured with full animation in my mind)?  What if he hates that I am a full time student with no job?  How will he handle the fact that my ex-husband and I get along?  And what about all of my shortcomings that I need to repent of on a daily basis are too much for this guy to handle will send him packing?
Then London continues, "When are you going to marry daddy again?"  Then I realize that this shows my past to my kids and yet is also a teaching experience that as a mother I am grateful to have with them.  London always asks where her dad and I were married and I tell her a church.  She asks why it wasn't in a temple and I explain that her daddy isn't a member of our church and so he can't be married in the temple with me.  So as her little wheels turn she asks why I can't be married in a church again with daddy so we can live in the same house and be a family again.  It breaks my heart, but I am able to say with 100% conviction that I can't marry Mike or anyone for that matter outside of the temple ever again.  I need those blessings and I have worked so hard to have them in my life and to get back to where I need to be in order to have those blessings if and when they come up in the future.
Yes, I have made mistakes and yes, I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I have been to Hell and back and I know what it is like to have the spirit in my life and to be in complete darkness not knowing where to turn and feeling like I am at the bottom of the barrel. I don't know if I will ever have the opportunity to get those sealing blessings that I have passed up twice now, but I do know that if it ever comes up again that will be the only way I will give my heart to someone.  Someone who accepts me for who I am, loves my kids as their own, and someone who honors his priesthood and TRIES his very best to be the best man he can be.
I have been at peace with who I am. where I have come from, and where I will be going.  I have been so afraid to date not because I don't want to get hurt again, but because the peace has finally come and I never have realized how much I have missed it in my life.  I LOVE who I am and how far I have come.  I am no longer broken and a victim to my past.  I stand up for my beliefs and convictions.  I know what I want out of life and where I want to be.  I was tired of living in the shadows and letting people use me and I finally stand up and say "ENOUGH, this is who I am and if you don't like it then there is the door because I don't need you in my life to make me feel like I am a nobody."
This may or may not be my "Happily Ever After", but I am ready for the ride if there is someone who wants to join me in my life's journey while making me a better person than tearing me down and using me.  This is the first time I have ever felt like a whole person who can take on any challenge that life throws at me and know that I will be so much better off in the end once I have climbed that mountain and see the view that God has let me see that I wouldn't have seen from the base.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Lets get the party started!

So awhile back I had a blog but it was with an account that I don't use and it was from my marriage.  I figured this is one of those things that needs a fresh start so here I go.  I am going to *try* to be faithful and write at least once a week or more if I get time to do it.  I have all of these lofty goals but if I don't sit down and write out a schedule soon I am just going to keep having goals and no realities!  So follow along on the crazy journey we call life and lets see where it takes us!